Why Am I Here?

Sometimes I wonder what a journey like this is accomplishing.
At times the answer seems so simple, and at the same time, so complicated.
We arrive in one country, stay a few weeks, and then leave for the next.
Just when it seems like we’re getting the hang of things…
…getting to know the people…
…building relationships with the children…
…beginning to learn the language and understand the culture…
…we leave.

The chances of us returning to each country/ministry contact, unless God calls us back and makes it clear, are fairly slim.
Some months it feels like we’re there with a purpose, and other months we wonder if we’re even making any sort of difference.
It’s hard.
It’s frustrating.
We struggle will feelings of failure and insignificance.
We swing back and forth on a wide pendulum between excitement and purpose to listlessness and the struggle to engage.

I go back and forth as to why God called me on The World Race.
Of course there are the obvious reasons: To share His love…that I would grow, I would experience many cultures, I would gain much travel experience, I would become wiser in understanding the world, and grow closer to Jesus in the process.

I honestly think that I thought my future would become clearer, too.

That didn’t happen—or at least it hasn’t happened yet.

If anything, it’s made everything even more confusing.
The options seem endless.

I sit here in Swaziland, enjoying one of the most beautiful mountain views on earth, wrapped up in a cozy blanket, enjoying some quiet time that so wonderfully fills many of our days here.

I am grateful for the rest, but it gives me too much time to think sometimes.
To think and ponder my future—to wonder what’s in store.
I’ve talked to God a lot about it lately…but I’m finding that the answers are vague.
The future seems so close and yet so far all at the same time.

I have great hope and excitement for the future the Lord has for me.
Yet I wonder how God will orchestrate everything, how He will direct my steps.
Right now, it feels like a waiting game.

And sometimes I wonder what the point is.
I am learning and experiencing a lot on the Race…but why? What is the reason?
What am I being prepared for?
How am I really making a difference right now?

It’s after these moments of wondering that I can feel God speak to me.
He whispers in my ear that I am enough…if I didn’t do anything else for the rest of my life but sit here and be with Him…that it would be enough.

I have to trust Him.
He’s the reason I am here.
There is a time and a reason for everything.
The Lord is the One Who makes everything work according to His purpose.

Nothing I do or say can make a difference on my own. It’s only through Jesus.

  “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

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