“So how do you feel right now?” you ask.
To that I can respond, “Well…to be honest, I’m not really sure at the moment.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s difficult to describe. I’m trying to find the right words to explain! I feel like I have to take advantage of every moment, that I need to jump at every opportunity to do something with friends, be with family, experience every event that comes my way, because if I don’t, I’ll miss out on some memory that I’ll later cherish while I’m on gone. Yet at the same time, I just want to sit at home, curl up onto my couch, do absolutely nothing, and try to forget for the moment that I’m leaving in several months’ time.”
“But it’s not like you’ll be gone forever!”
“Yeah, I know…but it feels like forever. It feels like I’m under a time limit to soak everything in that I can, to prepare myself as best I can, and get ready to leave. I’m not exactly sure how to process it. Maybe this is how it is for everyone, but I feel weird about leaving. About fundraising. About constantly telling everyone I’m leaving. Every conversation I have nowadays centers around the World Race. Is it okay to get tired of that? I mean, I’m excited to go, I’m humbled and grateful for the support. I’m amazed at the incredible support and trust that my friends, family, church, and coworkers have placed in me. And I know I shouldn’t think like this, because God is with me and I’m not supposed to do everything on my own, but I’m human, and I get overwhelmed sometimes ;-). I’m ecstatic to be going on a new adventure and to be so confident that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be right now! It’s amazing. But it’s also just really new, really different, and it means I’m actually doing what I’ve thought about doing and prayed about doing for so long — GOING — and that is just plain surreal.”
Because of the people following me, and those amazing supporters of mine, I guess I feel the need to be perfect, or to have it all together, but to be honest, that’s silly. I’m human and I struggle just like everyone else, and I know God has a lot he wants to do in me on the World Race.
I’m already experiencing some homesickness as I look forward to leaving on The World Race. I can’t stop thinking of what Jesus says to His disciples in Luke 9:57-62:
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
The cost of following Jesus is great! It’s a real, huge, serious commitment! It’s the best thing, yet it doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s actually really, really hard, especially if you’re someone like me who dearly loves her family and friends. Family is super important to me. And to think of really leaving for almost a whole year is quite the challenge. And I have to believe, no, I know, that the Lord sees that. I love Him and I’m following Him as He leads me down the path He’s specifically created for me. I don’t doubt for a second that this is a part of His plan for me, that He will provide all of the funds I need to go, that He will be with me every step of the way, and that this is just part of what He’s going to use to not only equip me for the future but to also advance His kingdom, because seriously, I know — shocker — IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME! 🙂
(I’m just going to fill you in on something. Writing is how I process a lot of things. So bear with me as I process 🙂
You’ll get to see months and months of processing change and growth and struggles, wahoo, haha!)
This is a journey of ups and downs. The Lord has put me here, planned this for me, from the very beginning, of that I have no doubt. It’s amazing when you stop and think of the intricate, incredible plans that He has for each one of us!!!! Jeremiah 29:11 🙂 And as I work to process all of my struggles and growth as I walk this path that God has placed me on, I hope and pray and know that somehow, through all of this, that God will use it for His glory, not for me, but for His kingdom.
The truth is, we’re all under a time limit. Each of us has only a set amount of time upon this earth, and I know for me, that no matter the cost, when God calls me, I want to answer. It’s by no means going to be easy, He never said it would be, but it will be worth it.