Today, I just really needed to spend time with Jesus.
It’s been a long few weeks, crazy and jam-packed with work, holding my garage sale, watching 2 of my favorite boys for a few days, my brother’s grad party, and lots of grilling and good times with friends.
I think I’ve hit a mental and physical exhaustion point.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good one, but I’m tired and to be honest, not sure how to really rest my mind. It keeps going in a million directions all at once.
You see, there’s this thing called Training Camp that I’ll be participating in July. It’s where I get to meet everyone who’s going on the same Route as I am this September – we’ll get to know each other, do a lot of team building and team bonding, do lots of crazy things that I can only imagine, and ultimately be prepared by the World Race staff and I know God is going to show up in huge, huge ways.
That said, I’m having a lot of insecurity about it, too. There are 3 squads leaving for their World Race in July, and they just had their training camp last week. I’ve been reading some of their blogs about it and it’s blown me away. It makes me oh-so excited for my own Training Camp, yet really scared at the same time.
It has made this whole Race journey become even more alive.
It’s a preparation for what the World Race will be like, and it’s going to be HARD.
It’s going to be an AWESOME adventure.
There will be moments when I feel so alive and in my element.
There will be hard-core moments of boredom.
And I know I will hate it at some point – whether that’s when I’m waking up early in the morning crabby and out of sorts, or whether allergies kick a stuffy/runny nose into high gear, or whether I’m sweating and red-faced like crazy already and it’s not even the afternoon yet…my imagination goes wild and I can only think of all of the possible scenarios of why I won’t like this.
Yet I know I’ll tough it out.
When I’m in the thick of it, I hate it, yes, but I tend to buckle down and “deal with it.” Maybe a little crabbily, of course, but that’s what I tend to do.
But then there’s another side of it.
He’s the whole reason for the World Race and me doing it.
He is responsible for instilling in my heart a passion for missions.
And I feel so unworthy, because I know all of my faults and failures.
I know the thoughts I think, and how grumpy I can be, and I don’t know how I could ever be worthy to do this.
Accepting others and all of their faults is usually pretty easy for me.
But accepting mine is a totally different thing.
There’s prayers I’ve prayed that haven’t been answered yet that leave me wondering sometimes if they ever will be.
For the Holy Spirit.
For power in Him and confidence and boldness.
To be able to really accept love, to know it and understand it in my very being, because while I can accept it and know it, I have a hard time really receiving it.
To let things go.
To truly forgive, and forgive myself.
So many things. I feel so unworthy.
I know I am loved and cherished by my friends, family, and most importantly, by my God.
But I know that very often satan sneaks in and steals away this knowledge and replaces it with questions and doubts.
And I’m so stinking tired of it.
I’m tired of feeling unworthy.
I’m tired of not walking in boldness.
I’m tired of being scared.
I want more.
I’ve been praying for more.
So I guess right now I’m waiting.
I don’t know when ‘more’ will happen.
I feel like I’ve heard, “soon.”
But I’ve second-guessed that too.
I’m so thirsty for more, and I don’t know how to open myself up to it sometimes.
But sometimes it’s as simple as just sitting and listening and talking to God.
That’s what I did this morning. I needed it desperately, and it’s something I need to do far more often.
Just sit with Jesus, read His Word, talk to Him, and listen for Him to speak to me.
If He doesn’t speak, it’s ok.
Because sometimes He doesn’t need to.
I just need to rest in Him, lean my head on His shoulder, and trust that He’s got this all figured out.
That’s all I could really do this morning.
And it was good.
This song has encouraged me in so many ways in the past few weeks – it makes me cry every time. I hope it encourages you too 🙂