Every day it occurs to me that “I need to write.”
And yet every day I sit down on the couch, exhausted from a long day of work, and my brain refuses to input cohesive signals into my fingers that tells them to put something magical, understandable, and brilliant into a Word document.
This “life after the World Race” thing has been hard to swallow.
I’ll be honest, when AIM staff told us at Searchlight that many, if not most of us would be heading into a season of the “mundane” quality…I didn’t quite believe them. You see, I wanted to be home and I was excited for the mundane. To be able to sit on my comfy couch every night and sleep in my own bed. To get to go to my church every weekend and understand everything because it’s in English!
Yet here I sit, well into 4 months of being home, and I’m done with this already.
I’m searching for more but I don’t entirely know what I’m looking for.
I have a good part-time job, but it wears me out because I work a very early morning shift.
I am currently looking for a full-time job, preferably a writing position because that’s what I went to school for and have experience doing…but nothing seems appealing and I’ve already been rejected by several places that I thought “could be it.”
I don’t say that to get you to feel bad for me. Obviously God has better, bigger plans.
But I’m yearning for something that offers more than just a 9-5 job of writing “something.”
I want tell people’s stories.
I want to get the word out about what’s going on in the world.
I want to highlight missionaries’ stories, to love and to serve and to travel and to be God’s hands and feet.
I know I am His hands and feet here, too, even in the mundane, but it is hard to express this in a way that is understandable.
To most here in America, “something more” is a luxury or not even considered.
Most people aren’t 100% happy in their jobs.
They have to work in order to survive here.
I get it. But I desperately don’t want to get stuck in a job where I’m not happy.
I can do most jobs well and be successful, yes, but my heart cries for more.
To wait on the Lord during this season looks irresponsible.
To not be actively looking for a job isn’t possible, either, because I desire to be fully independent and to be able to support myself again and get back on my feet.
I need to be able to support myself. I long to get back to the place where I can yet again be in a position of strength, where I can give to support other missionaries and organizations following Jesus’ call around the world to serve and love those in need.
Yet this is the very thing I am struggling to do. And I am struggling to keep my face above water. One day I’m fine and the next, I feel like it’s the end of the world.
This season is a very difficult one to navigate and I definitely do not have all of the answers.
On one hand, to hear the Lord say consistently, “Wait,” and “Trust Me,” and to have all of these dreams and passions that I don’t know what to do with but can’t wait to see what the Lord will do…and then on the other hand, to feel stuck in this mundane place…it is really tough.
I know I’m not really making sense. But I’m in a place where I’ve started to not care as much if I make sense or not. There are some of you who will understand me, either because you’ve been here or are in the same place, and there are some of you who will think I’m not trying hard enough or doing enough or I’m obviously failing in some form or fashion or just plain not getting it. That’s okay.
Just know that when you ask me how I’m doing and what my plans are now after the Race, that my answer isn’t an easy one and you might be left with a lot of questions rather than simple, full-of-faith, confident answers.
Back to the whole writing thing. I’ve known every day since coming home that I need to write. To get all of this out there. To speak whatever the Lord tells me. To be vulnerable and open with where I’m at. And I haven’t because I’m a blank canvas right now and writing is difficult.
I don’t know how to do the right thing anymore.
But what is the right thing?
As I navigate this season of rest, of trust, of waiting, of faith-building, of just putting one foot in front of the other every day, not knowing where God is leading me yet, will you follow me and pray for me, for wisdom, clarity, and deepened faith?
I crave your prayers. You all have been there every step of the way through this World Race journey, and I’m so grateful that you’ve tagged along even afterwards and helped me as I continue this season of processing and waiting on the Lord. I guess we all have something to learn from each other, and each of our roads hits some bumps here and there.
I’ll stop rambling now :). Just wanted to say thanks for reading!
You’re a blessing to me!