Going Undercover

God is doing some intense undercover work in me right now and this requires all of the things I thought I was good at to take to the sidelines in a full out sprint and leave me standing in the middle of the football field, digging my own hole to China and feeling alone, worthless, unqualified, and like I’m never, ever, ever, EVER going to get there because I’m digging this hole alone. And of course God is there but it doesn’t help because I’m so focused on trying to get there as fast as possible that I don’t take time to stop and listen to him.

No, instead I put on my headphones and drip sweat as I strive and dig and strive and dig and then yell in ample amounts of frustration and I realize I’ve been digging for days and have only succeeded in digging myself into a hole that I now cannot get out of by myself. And the Lord looks down on me and says, “Hey. Now I have you where I want you. Now sit.”

Then He jumps down into the deep hole I’ve dug and instead of saying anything like “I told you so,” He just grins at me, plops down into the dirt beside me and chillaxes with me. No words are spoken for a while. One because I’m still cooling down and coming to terms with where I’m at, and two because I can see that things would have gone a whole lot better if I had learned to just sit with Jesus before…but I don’t know if I could have learned this lesson any other way because I’m so stubborn and I am always striving for something to get out of these times with the Lord. I have always felt that I need to have some proof that just sitting with Him is actually accomplishing something inside of me. But what if it’s not tangible yet? What if just sitting with Him, being with Him, abiding…what if that’s the greatest form of trust we can show Him, and what if that’s the most powerful way we can fight our battles?

What if that’s the (excuse my French) most kick-ass battle move we could ever learn?

It goes against everything this world teaches us.




[[ Argh. ]]


It’s so much work—WOW is it stressful and completely unnecessary.
What if we all truly trusted Jesus to provide in the way He says He’ll provide?
I mean, I’m not talking about sitting back and letting Him do all of the work.
That’s stupid.
He wants to do it with us anyway.

But it requires us to knock on the doors that are presented to us, and then let Him be the gentleman to open the right door for us and keep the doors closed that are supposed to stay shut.

But we are supposed to knock on the doors.

That requires action. Not blind action, not ignoring what God is saying. But it requires putting feet forward, one after the other even though the destination is not known, and following His leading as we move. He promises to tune our senses to Him…but we have to move first.

In this hole I’ve dug for myself…I sit. All I can see around me is dirt, red-brown soft dirt, which is probably making me very dirty, but I don’t care.

I’m sitting with Jesus.
He’s down here with me.
And we’re not talking.
Not yet.
We’re just sitting side by side and watching the clouds together.

He’s forcing me to rest and I’m not very good at it so I’m pretty easily frustrated…but He keeps making me sit back down after I stand up to scream and punch the dirt a couple times.

“Hey you, sit back down with me. Rest, little one. You’re exhausted and you don’t even realize it. Come fight the real battle with me. Just sit and trust. We’ll do the work later.”

So now I’m just learning to sit with Him, and trust Him more radically than I ever have…I’m going undercover (or at least that’s how it feels) because no one else is around and I feel alone.
Actually scratch that. [[PAUSE, REWIND]]
It’s now that Jesus whispers to me and tells me to rebuke that thought because I am NOT ALONE.
There are plenty of people around me, each in similar holes of their own making. And Jesus is sitting with each of them, too, patiently waiting for them to surrender, trust, and let Him take over.

So I thought I was digging a tunnel to China. I thought I was getting “there,” wherever “there” actually is.

Instead I ended up digging a hole I couldn’t get out of on my own.

And Jesus chose to come down into it and be with me here.

He’s pretty stupendously awesome.
I don’t understand an abundance of things yet…but I do know this is just the beginning.
My roots are getting transplanted into richer soil, His soil.
I have a lot of growing still to do.
But He promises me that I will grow.

It feels like undercover work most of the time, a tinkering around with my insides like I mentioned in my previous blog.

Jesus whispers in my ear yet again and tells me, “Take them with you. [Insert clarification: He’s talking about YOU.] Show them that I’m with them too. They don’t have to do this alone. Tell them to stop striving and sit and let me in. The act of testing prepares you, strengthens you for the future I have created for you. If you don’t rest now, you’ll wither and you won’t survive. But you MUST survive. I’ve created you for greatness and I want to do this WITH you. I want you to walk WITH Me. Choose to never leave My side, beloved. I will always be right here. You’re always good enough for Me.”

“Be still (let go, cease striving), and KNOW that I Am God!”
-Psalm 46:10

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