All of these words describe how I’ve been feeling lately. How I just have to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward.
Regardless of feelings on any certain day.
Keep moving forward.
If I need to take a step backward, I take a step back…but then I take two more forward.
Even if it feels at a snail’s pace.
Even if it feels like a giant leap and I’m not ready.
God has me here, in this moment, for this day.
He has planned this out for me since before I was born.
He knew I’d be here, today. Thinking these thoughts.
Doubting at times, yes.
But choosing to trust, regardless.
Because it is a choice. And I don’t know why I struggle with feelings so often. Because I don’t know how to feel a lot of the time.
Some days I just am, and when people ask me how I’m doing, I honestly don’t know how to answer.
“I’m good (or) I’m fine,” I say.
It’s true. I’m just not sure how to explain it.
It doesn’t make sense to me either.
I keep reminding myself that God is in this.
He has called me to this.
Not just because.
He has a reason.
I don’t exactly know it yet.
But I’m not supposed to.
I’m just supposed to obey and keep walking forward toward it.
Plan as best I can for it.
Pray, pray, pray.
TRUST that God will provide ALL of the funds.
All of the gear.
The laptop, the camera, the Kindle.
All of the silly stuff that I think I need.
The wisdom to know how to pack everything I need into one ‘tiny’ backpack.
The grace for myself – I’m not perfect, I will never be, and I am my worst critic.
I really need grace for myself.
Trust that I have heard God, I know God, God loves me, He speaks to me.
Stop doubting, Jess.
Keep walking forward.
Jesus. It’s all about Jesus. It’s all about sharing His love.
It’s not about me.
Yet I find myself battling all the time.
One second excited.
The next listless.
Is this normal? 😛
A state of listlessness mixed with excitment.
Longing to leap right into the future right now. But the next second I’m digging my heels in like a child throwing a tantrum.
Maybe I’m just working through everything. I don’t really know what to think.
So all I can do, right now, at this very instant, regardless of how I feel or what I know…is to just keep moving forward.
People are watching.
But most importantly, God is watching over me.
He sees me.
I’m stepping out. It’s not the easiest thing in the world.
I love my family. I adore my friends. I’m at home in my church. I have a solid career.
Yet…it’s that “But wait, there’s more!” The asterisk, the comma, the em dash, the epic pause.
Waiting for more. Meant for more. Moving toward ‘more.’
And that’s it, simply put. I’m in the “em dash, the comma, the in-between, the pause before the continuation.” And it just plain feels weird. It’s the pause in the story, dramatic and necessary, which in the moment feels awkward, long and drawn out, like an awkward silence. It feels weird, and when reading out loud, the reader sometimes second-guesses the dramatic pause. But to the listener, the viewer, it puts them on the edge of their seat, waiting for what’s next…it creates suspense, drama, and is absolutely necessary for the story.
[Hello, my name is Jess, and right now I’m dealing with “dramatic pause syndrome.”] <— HAHA!
So. Without further ado.
The moral of this story is that I’m going to keep moving forward. 🙂
This blog is such a great processing tool for me. Seriously, so necessary and awesome.
I have so many rockstar people supporting me in this. Each and every one of you reading this blog is IMPORTANT to me…I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a huge bear hug. You’ve all given me more support than I ever could have dreamed of!
Lots of love to all of you from me 🙂
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, my soul.