At war in my heart

I love being excited. It doesn’t come easily to me, but when it does…it overflows until I feel like jumping up and down and squealing with excitement!

I think I have trouble getting truly excited about things because I have been disappointed so many times in the past that I feel if I don’t get overly excited about things anymore, but kind of take them in stride, then it won’t be such of a huge let down when it doesn’t actually happen.

Because things seem like they’re a for sure thing.
And then they don’t happen.

Because it seems like a for sure thing from the Lord.
Then it turns out it’s either not quite time for it yet or it really wasn’t supposed to happen.
And I’m super bummed out about it.

And I’ve gotten so tired of being disappointed. So I’ve made a little wall around my heart that prevents me from becoming too excited about things anymore, just in case they don’t happen.

So when I truly become excited about something, even for a few minutes, that’s a huge deal. It’s something that the Lord needs to heal in me, I think. I’m not 100% sure exactly why I have such a hard time with it. I think I used to set my expectations so high as a kid that I constantly got disappointed. So I learned over the years to have very low expectations. And that’s good sometimes, because then I’d get pleasantly surprised many times by how ‘good’ or ‘fun’ something actually turned out to be.

But this isn’t good, because I’m realizing that while I “know” to “expect big things from God,” I actually really struggle with that because part of me doesn’t want to get hurt again. And I’m realizing that while I’ve dreamed about things, I haven’t allowed myself to expand my dreams, to think on them, to ponder them, to dream bigger dreams…and I’ve held myself short in that area. I’ve blamed it on not enough imagination, but maybe it’s simply because I’m not trusting God enough with myself and my future to truly trust Him with my dreams, and to give Him my disappointment, as well.

I know in my heart that God doesn’t wish for me to be disappointed. No, He wants to exceed my expectations, to go farther and bigger and far surpass my wildest dreams. I know this. But it is so hard to actually, legitimately believe sometimes.

So sometimes I feel like there is really a war going on in my heart, between letting myself dream big and leap far and take Jesus’ hand and truly follow Him, and in doing so risking setbacks and disappointments and hardship…vs. taking it easy, distancing myself from emotions, and lessening the hurt of the “inevitable” letdown, as I’ve seen it so often.

What if my “what ifs” turned into bigger dreams?
What if my dreams turned into realities?
What if my faith turned into sight?
What if my expectations came to be?

Our God is a BIG God. He is fully willing and He is ABLE. It’s time to start more dreaming…

Your thoughts would look GOOD here :)