A tempest within my soul

Whew. That’s a lofty title. But it’s one that has been a true status of my life lately.

[[ Definition: Tempest – a violent, windy storm || Synonymous with: gale/hurricane. Origin is Latin, coming from the word “tempus,” which means “time or season.” ]]

From jesseischens.theworldrace.org

I’ve felt aloft, carried along on a tide that sometimes rises, then falls quickly. A storm brews, blows, and mellows…and silence ensues. And my soul cries, but I don’t know how to express it. It’s like my body doesn’t know what to do with my soul anymore.

One minute I am floating in a sea of silence, wondering why I can’t hear God anymore. Then…all of the sudden, gale force winds hit me in full-fledged abandon as I realize a serious truth: “I’m mad at God.”

My world then gets thrown into an unpredictable pattern. A yell, a fist in the air, a stomp on the ground, a groan. I feel forsaken and I don’t know why.

This realization hits me and leaves me in its wake, stunned. Where do I go from here?

How did I go from feeling God every second and being confident in His closeness, to not feeling Him anywhere, to not even trusting that I hear His voice anymore?

From jesseischens.theworldrace.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without warning, all navigation signals are lost.

I look ahead but see only a mist.

Is He trying to tell me something and I’m just not getting it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A myriad of emotions flood over me, and instantly I am insanely frustrated, angry, anxious, afraid of this unknown, uncharted territory. My eyes flood with hot tears as I sit in this little wooden boat, afloat it seems on an unpredictable sea, and my heart knows not what to do, nor what voice to listen to, nor what direction in which to row.

Everything grows silent, even the tossing sea comes to a frightening slow.

Quiet ensues.

My ears ring loudly with such a loud nothing, and my heart begins to question everything it has ever learned.

From jesseischens.theworldrace.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where I thought I would go is not where I am.

I am not even sure anymore about my destination.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did the Lord just need me to think I had a certain destination in my sights, so He could get me to move?
I cannot believe these dreams were for nothing. I KNOW they had purpose. I still believe…I’m just frustrated.

I cannot chart these waters, they are not mine to navigate.
Obviously I need to get quiet, to trust, to listen.
As a close friend said the other day, “Maybe it’s God’s way of getting me to rest.”

Part of the word tempest means, “season.”
I came out of the season of the World Race into a season of quiet and maybe, to rest.
A rest that may be needed in order to be prepared for the next season.
Does it matter that I don’t know? I always have the need to know things.
And maybe it is best not to know.

From jesseischens.theworldrace.org

Seasons change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lord, please teach me to rest. And truly to trust in You.

I don’t want to battle constantly. I do want to rest. I just really, honestly don’t know how to do it.

Please quiet the tempest within my soul, and bring me to a place of surrender and peace as I wait. Help me to hold onto your hand, to let go of the doubts and fears that weigh at me when I don’t hear you near me, and not to let go of the promises You have made. Help me to know Your truths and promises not only with my head, but with my heart, soul, and very being.  

There’s one thing I’m learning. To have grace for myself in this learning, listening, waiting period. To be real with the emotions as they come. And to get quiet, to not stop having time with the Lord simply because “I can’t hear Him right now.”

No. I hear Him. Just not as clearly as I’m used to. But this tempest is also a season. Whether I float, flounder, get tossed around…I know He won’t let me sink.

There are waves and waves and waves of GRACE.
The waves never stop coming, whether we feel worthy of them or accept them or not.

From jesseischens.theworldrace.org

This is also true with His love.

I guess it’s time to trust where He’s taking me.
Trust as He leads me.
No matter the tempest or strength of the storm of my soul,
He is with me and will carry me through.

[ He won’t lead me astray.
I will see the shore again.
]

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Jesus
(Matthew 11:28-30)

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